Now to apply talcum powder to the back of my hand. This, once again, is The Celebrity Slap.
Don't Drink the Water: The Dave Matthews Band is being sued by the state of Illinois for allegedly dumping sewage from their touring bus onto a boat navigating the Chicago River. I don't know what the sudden fuss is. Dave Matthews has been dumping crap on the public for years now.
Girl Fight!: Usher has come out quashing rumors of a feud with Justin Timberlake. Not that a fight between two men with falsettos would be anything but hilarious.
Stupidest Man Alive: According to reports, the divorce between John and Rebecca Romjin-Stamos will soon be realized. Reportedly, the turning point in their relationship came when Romjin-Stamos rolled over one morning and screamed, "Oh, Jesus, I'm married to John Stamos!" Now a free man, Stamos has his pick of any woman ... any woman who works at Old Country Buffet.
Why?: For the second week in a row, there's a story about Paris Hilton's chihuahua. It's reported that it isn't really her lost one, just a stand-in. Next week's big news story: I'm gonna kill the (string of expletives) dog so it's not in the (string of expletives) news every week.
Tiger Style: The entertainment company that produces Siegfried and Roy's show are refusing to give authorities the tape of Roy being mauled by an angry tiger. They have repeatedly ignored subpoenas to turn over the tape. Oh, and also on the tape: Paris Hilton has sex with the tiger. What can I say? The girl gets around.
Sisters: Ashlee Simpson's album has reportedly far surpassed the sales of her sister Jessica. This reporter thinks that the chart-topping sisters should join forces, not for an album, but in a sort of murder/suicide pact. Unnecessarily cruel? Perhaps, but so is listening to their music.
How Romantic: Britney Spears and her hubby-to-be, Guy Whose Name Isn't Important, are reportedly working on a new video for the singer's cover of Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative." How romantic. No one knows how to treat a woman like crack-smoking, Whitney Houston-beating Bobby Brown.
Until next week, remember that out of all the A-Team episodes, the one with Boy George was the best.