Recently, Blender magazine polluted its front cover with her body and dedicated its feature article to her, from which I will draw all of the information for this column.
Jessica started her career as a Christian singer, managed by her father, Joe. Mr. Simpson was a preacher who quit spreading the good word and dedicated himself to making Jessica famous.
It turned out that the Christian market, as preacher Joe called it, wasn't right for Jessica, because she was so voluptuous.
That's right it seems that I read in the Bible somewhere that Christians are not voluptuous.
Christian market option being exhausted, Joe pushed Jessica to succeed in the mainstream vein.
She has now released three albums, all of which have proved only mediocre.
This is all being turned around with the recent popularity of her and husband Nick Lachey's (of the former 98 Degrees) show, The Newlyweds.
The Newlyweds has given Jessica the opportunity to finally show the world the depths of her soul. She has the spotlight.
And what has the spotlight revealed about this gorgeous young blond?
At 23, she can't do her own laundry. She didn't know whether the tuna she was eating was chicken or tuna, because of the befuddling label, Chicken of the Sea.
This one particularly gets me: On a trip to Yosemite National Park, which happens to be one of the most beautiful parks in the country, she whined that she was cold, tired, hungry and bored, while doing her nails.
Her reward for living on the lowest of spiritual and mental frequencies that humans can live on?
Millions of dollars, of course! Magazine spreads and television commercials!
Simpson is quoted in Blender as saying, They home in on my ditzy side, and that's cool with me É I'm cool with being a ditz.
Why, Jessica, why are you cool with it?
She is cool with it because she is getting paid to be cool with it. If she wasn't a stunningly gorgeous blond, we would never let her get away this mockery of an existence.
To the female species, she is an embarrassment. Females were only recently granted the right to vote in 1920 not that long ago.

We are still trying to prove ourselves as rational, intelligent beings, and it's women like Jessica that make this a hard task for us.
She only reconfirms the oft-believed myth that women are only valuable for their bodies.
In the long history of portraying women as unintelligent and philosophically void, maybe the most patriarchal among us are reveling in the joyful fact that Jessica serves as a stumbling block to feminist progression.
Blender says, If Newlyweds' were a movie, little by little Lachey would triumph in his campaign of camping trips and handy household lessons, and transform his spoiled princess into a competent, considerate, fully functional adult. But this is reality television, and viewers demand not resolution but repetition.
Please, MTV, beat us in the head repetitiously with a stupid brick!
But MTV is only catering to the market. We are really only beating ourselves to death in our obsessions with inane people, who stand to offer us nothing.

Holly Haworth is the entertainment editor of The Daily Beacon and a junior in rhetoric and writing. She can be reached at