This is The Celebrity Slap, the absolute pinnacle of serious jornalism and refined taste.
Grant Us Peace: Actor Hugh Grant recently told a London publication that he isn't interested in any more acting jobs, and is "semi-retired." This is a relief, as we too have grown tired of Hugh Grant's acting.
Ready to Rumble: Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are under investigation for attacking photographers outside of a hotel last Saturday. They claim the photographers ambushed them. Poor celebrities. When will those monsters learn that the rich and famous don't like attention?!
Here's Johnny: Former talk show host Johnny Carson recently donated $5.3 million to the University of Nebraska to help their fine arts program ... because nothing goes together like Nebraska and the arts.
Vogue!: Madonna's new children's book, slated to come out soon, will follow the story of a greyhound dog with money who is always unhappy. Madonna claims it's an allegory for how wealth is overrated. So is Madonna.
Spicy: A Dutch stalker has been sentenced to nine months in prison for sending packages, letters and tapes to Melanie Chisholm, the former "Sporty Spice." Pity was taken on the man as he couldn't even find someone worthwhile to stalk.
"Watch" Out: DreamWorks pictures is in talks to produce a film version of syndicated silicone show "Baywatch." It's refreshing that with all of the fake-looking CGI effects, it's still possible to have faker-looking, non-CGI people.
That's all for this week. Remember, never feed a celebrity - they'll just come back looking for more food. Then they start going through the garbage, and no one wants that.
- Stories taken from E! News, then chopped the hell up.