This is The Celebrity Slap, and if any of you yell "Freebird," you'll all be killed.
A Long, Long Time Ago: According to studio executives, the trailer for "Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith" will start hitting theaters next week. We at CS would like to warn America ahead of time of the upcoming "nerd exodus." If they're all watching the trailer, who will live in our basements, and roll our 12-sided die? And they're sure to neglect their pretend girlfriends from "out of town" all week.
Close Shield: FX's police drama, "The Shield," will soon add legendary actress Glenn Close to the cast. Apparently, she'll join the story sometime after about 101 small puppies of the Dalmatian variety go missing.
Missing: USA Network has ordered another season of "The 4400," a drama about the victims of alien abductions and their role in a vast conspiracy. CS still thinks "Operation: Anal Probe" would have been a much better attention-getter as a title.
Mashed Up: Bobby "Boris" Pickett will soon release a revamped version of his 1960 hit "Monster Mash." The new version features lyrics criticizing President Bush's environmental policies. God bless you, Boris Pickett, for changing the world one crappy redo of a crappy song at a time.
Love Drama: Singer Courtney Love has pleaded guilty to hitting a man in the head with a microphone at a concert last March. Part of her plea agreement was, according to E! News, "not to commit any more crimes." Sorry, Love fans, sounds like this means no more Courtney Love albums.
Battlefield: Former disco king John Travolta has hired more personal security after receiving unspecified threats from an undisclosed source. While stalking is never a good thing, maybe this will keep Travolta from making the sequel to "Battlefield Earth."
Your Wish is My Command: U2 singer/annoying bastard Bono received the T.E.D. (Technology, Entertainment, Design) award from their annual conference. As part of his winnings, he gets three wishes fulfilled by a group of companies and scientists. Here's an idea for a wish: No more U2 albums.
Although we know it's not our place to comment on the world of sports, CS would like to remind the New York Yankees that even though they lost the pennant, they can still go straight to hell as far as we're concerned. Yankees suck!
Until next week, remember that you can only kill Frankenstein with fire. And you can only kill Rosie O'Donnell by poisoning her ranch dressing.