This is The Celebrity Slap, where I take people richer than me and lie about them because I'm already dead inside.
Danger!: Comedic legend Rodney Dangerfield died Tuesday of complications from heart surgery. That's what he gets for being in "Little Nicky." See? Still no respect.
Stern Warning: Howard Stern has signed a multi-year contract with SIRIUS Radio, explaining "I want to create a whole new medium." That means radio that isn't worth your money, instead of radio that just wastes your time.
Denied!: Mark David Chapman, John Lennon's killer, was denied parole once again. Of course, if he'd have shot Yoko, he'd have a national holiday by now.
Moore Controversy: Republicans in Michigan are asking prosecutors to file charges against Michael Moore. Moore, in exchange for a promise to vote, offered college students Ramen noodles, clean underwear and potato chips. So let the message be clear: Republicans don't want college students to vote. Woo! Power to the people!
Love Train: South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone reportedly had to cut out a scene of marionette sex from their upcoming film "Team America." Sources say it was the most wooden sex scene since Kevin Costner's last movie.
Lachey-ed: Untalented stage husband Nick Lachey has signed a deal to develop a show on FOX. It's working title is "I'm Famous, Too! Look at Me!"
Get Off'a My Lawn!: Mick Mars, guitarist for Motley Crue, is recovering after hip replacement surgery. Honestly, if there's one sign that it's time to hang it up, it's when the heavy metal bands start needing hip replacements.
Thompson's Twin Duty: Former Tennessee congressman/actor Fred Dalton Thompson will remain in a starring role in "Law & Order," in addition to his role in the new spin-off "Law & Order: Trial by Jury." Of course, this means he'll be a bit too overworked to pull duty on "Law & Order: Women's Prison Shower Fight." Of course, a certain columnist could use the work.
So until next week, remember that there's a little bit of E.T. in all of us; because we killed him and ate him.
Stories taken from various sources, but are mostly fact-based lies.