Because I've been watching "Magum: PI" for 15 hours straight, this is The Celebrity Slap.
Chest Appeal: Pamela Anderson will appear on PETA billboards decrying KFC's inhumane treatment of chickens. Cripes, Pam, at least their breasts are real.
What?: Celebrity blowup doll Paris Hilton's memoirs have jumped up to No. 59 on's best-seller list. This poses many questions. For instance, she can read?
Kidman Kiss: Nicole Kidman's latest film received boos from Venice audiences after a scene in which she kisses a 10-year-old boy who happens to be in a bathtub. Scratch that, it wasn't a 10-year-old boy, it was Hilary Swank, who just happens to have the chest of a 10-year-old boy.
Material Girl: Madonna's plans to run a special on CBS have been scrapped. Proposed title: "The Mummy Returns."
Ratings: The NBC premiere of "Joey," Matt LeBlanc's "Friends" spin-off, attracted 17 million viewers like moths to a very dull flame. The other "Friends" spin-off, "'Friends' is dead, get the hell over it," did less well.
A Hoot: The long-forgotten Hootie and the Blowfish have donated $80,000 to South Carolina schools to better outfit their computer labs. The fact that Hootie and crew still have that much money elicited shocked gasps from the music community.
Gummy Wad: Apparently, there are more creepy 40-year-olds than first thought. Wads of gum, purportedly from pop mannequin Britney Spears, have fetched sums of up to $14,000 on eBay. These must be the same guys who bought my soiled Hello Kitty underpants for 500 bucks last spring. Thanks for paying my out-of-state tuition, sexual deviants!
Nippy: CBS stations who broadcasted Janet Jackson's boob last Super Bowl may each be fined around 500 thousand dollars. I don't see what the big deal is. Most people just thought they were seeing a saddlebag.
Retro!: Jay Kay, of Jamiroquai fame, has been suspended from driving for excessively speeding somewhere in Scotland. He was heard to jubilantly exclaim "Finally! Jamiroquai will be in the news again!" For those who don't remember Jamiroquai, they're ... unimportant.
That's all the space I have this week. Remember to tip your local hookers. It's just polite.
Stories taken from E! and CNN and modified by an overactive imagination.