Because Mr. T was sent to earth to save us from our sins, this is "The Celebrity Slap."
Star Treatment: Star Jones is the new red carpet correspondent for the E! Network. In addition to Star's salary, E! will also have to spring for a "Do Not Feed! Keep Hands and Arms out of Cage!" sign.
Good as Gold: Former "Growing Pains" star Tracy Gold has been arrested for drunk driving. Her mug shot was her first on-camera appearance since "Growing Pains."
Put up your Dukes: The upcoming "Dukes of Hazzard" movie has been cast, with Jessica Simpson as Daisy Duke. If anyone was born for the role of a first-grade educated hick, it was her. Talk about perfect casting.
Nerd Power: FOX has started production on a remake of 1984 movie "Revenge of the Nerds." So that would make the new movie ... "Revenge ... of ... the ... Revenge ... of ... the ..." Ah, the hell with it.
New U: Irish rock band U2 has announced the title of their new album, "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb." They scrapped the original title: "How to Fade Quietly Into Obscurity."
Linda me an ear: Terminator series star Linda Hamilton recently admitted in an interview that she's bipolar and has been diagnosed with depression. You'd be sad, too, if a robot from the future was trying to kill you. Our hearts, thoughts and gas-powered grenade launchers are with Linda in her time of difficulty.
C'mereaminit: Slated to perform at the Country Music Awards this year: Shania Twain, Brooks and Dunn and Toby Keith. Not slated to perform: anyone with an IQ over 80.
Hot to Trot: Fomer Sportscenter and current MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann has been named "Sexiest Male Newscaster" by Playgirl Magazine. Playgirl itself topped a recent list: "Most unnecessary gratuitous penis shots." Congratulations to both parties.
Pilgrimage: Pop star/living dead Madonna will be making a pilgrimage to Israel for the Jewish New Year. Why not add a sexually controversial American woman named after the mother of the Christian savior to an area full of angry Muslims and Jews? Another in a great series of ideas from Madonna.
"Watch" out: Former Baywatch star Michael Bergin has been charged after driving drunk and hitting an inline skater. Witnesses say he ran away from the scene of the crime. In slow motion. Carrying a red floation device.
It's a Bomb!: Authorities examined a package sent to John Grisham that allegedly contained a bomb. Apparently, it was a miscommunication. The package was full of DVDs of Grisham's movie adaptations. So it was several bombs.
No Love: The board of Courtney Love's condo is filing a lein against her property for failing to pay thousands of dollars in maintenance and late fees. That's what happens when no one buys your records.
Wilson and Child: Former singer/stomach staple recipient Carnie Wilson is having a child with her musician husband. The birth will be the centerpiece of Wilson's new "Lose 10 Pounds in 10 Hours of Screaming Pain" diet.
Tiger Style: Illusionist/snack item Roy Horn (of Sigfried and Roy) has quite a revelation in his upcoming interview with Maria Shriver. According to him, he fainted onstage during the show, and the tiger was only trying to help him off stage. In honor of this, take time today to thank all those brave paramedics who have saved our lives by biting our faces off.
Brown Out: The country of Lebanon has banned Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" because they consider the book "an affront to Christianity." I myself have banned the book from my home because it is an affront to people who demand competent writing.
Stewing: Media mogul/guilty-as-hell homemaker Martha Stewart has requested that she start serving her five-month prison sentence for insider trading. Enjoy the de-lousing, Martha. It's a good thing.