Because I'm going to lose my mind if I watch "Labyrinth" any more times, this is The Celebrity Slap.
Speared: Singer Britney Spears has recently completed her second wedding, this time to dancer/white trash Kevin Federline. This is her second wedding of the year. She's had more weddings this year than David Spade has had acting jobs.
Cokin' Culkin: Recovering child star Macaulay Culkin has been arrested on charges of possession of marijuana and Xanax without a prescription. CS told everyone this is what happens when you leave him home alone.
Force of Habit: According to figures, the "Star Wars" movies have already earned more than $115 million in DVD sales. You know, I thought that Reese Hall seemed a little quieter lately.
Cat Power: Former songwriter and current insane recluse Cat Stevens has been deported from the United States due to "potential ties to terrorist groups. Well, Cat, if you have to leave, take good care. Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there. But just remember there's a lot of that anywhere. Ooh, baby baby it's a wild world ... sorry (sniff), CS has got something in our eyes.
Hit or Miss: Miss America has been crowned, and it's Alabama's Deidre Downs. Her victory was marred by the fact that on her victory walk, she slipped on her own chew spit and gave herself a concussion.
Porta-John: Songwriter Elton John was mobbed by reporters in Taiwan his week, and called them all "Rude, vile pigs." The problem is, it's hard to slip through unnoticed when you dress like a blind circus clown. The element of stealth goes away when your outfits send epileptics into seizures.
Stewart Show: Martha Stewart is in talks with soulless super-producer Mark Burnett to air a show featuring her. CS would like to interject: the fewer Stewart prison shower scenes, the better. It's like watching a huge white raisin getting hosed off.
Put it on!: CBS has officially been fined $550,000 for the backlash over "Nipplegate." It's basically the same strategy as a strip club. You get to see an aging woman's fake breasts, but you always end up spending too much.
Not Furlong: "Terminator 2" star Edward Furlong was arrested for getting drunk and taking lobsters out of the tank at a Kentucky grocery store. He was reportedly in town shooting a movie. I'll believe that when I see it. The movie part, not the lobsters.
Collective-ism: Forgotten alternative rockers Collective Soul are set to release their new album, entitled "Youth," on November 16th. CS would like to be the first to say: wait...those guys aren't dead yet?
Waking James: According to the autopsy, musician/horrible catchphrase Rick James had nine different drugs in his system at the time of his death. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. So are meth, heroin, weed ...