Because movie stars are both richer and more attractive than me, this is The Celebrity Slap.
Passionate: Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" killed in its first week on the DVD sales market. According to reports, 2.4 million units were sold by mid-day Tuesday. In a related story, sales of anti-depressants reached the same level by Tuesday night.
First Knight: CBS is in talks with Texas Tech's Bobby Knight to air a sitcom based upon his life. A big, loud white guy with no talent and less charisma? They must be trying to compete with ABC's "According to Jim."
Man Down: Charlize Theron has been injured while doing stunts for her new project, Paramount's "Aeon Flux." This is her second unfortunate injury on-set. While gaining weight for her turn in "Monster," she broke her jaw trying to shove an entire spiral-sliced ham into her mouth.
Going Commando: In California, Gov. Arnold Scwarzenegger touted President Bush, saying that he will "Terminate Terrorism." He also warned of Bush's plans to deal "Collateral Damage" to gay marriage, then threw a grenade and screamed "Get Doowwwwn." No reports yet on the governor's relationship with reality.
What?: The Latin Grammys went off without a hitch, except for the puzzling presence of certified cracker Jessica Simpson. In related news, Tom Selleck will host this year's Soul Train Awards.
Rap News: Apparently, not everyone loves the mumbly, violence-glorifying antics of 50 Cent. At a British festival last week, he was booed and pelted with bottles until he retreated from the stage. Ever notice that 50 is really bad at dodging things? Sorry, cheap shot. But at least it wasn't nine of them.
Say it ain't so: In sad news, James Doohan ("Scotty" on Star Trek), will be retiring at the ungodly age of 84. Unconfirmed reports have him saying "Achhh ... My prostate's the size of Shatner's ego. Beam me up already, God."
Classy: Heiress and frequent C.S. target Paris Hilton has just rolled out a new line of jewelry made from silver and pink crystal, only available on Amazon.com. It'll be wonderful when you're giving that jewelry to that special someone and she looks at you softly, and says "Did you get this at the same place where you bought your book on how to get rid of hemorrhoids? Oh, no, you didn't. I am gonna put my foot so far up ..." Well, you get the idea. Here's to class, Paris!
Fists of Fury: Action superstar Jet Li has spoken out against violence in martial arts films, saying that they ignore heart and emotion for violence and gore. What he failed to realize is that people want Kung-Fu in Kung-Fu movies. If there wasn't violence, one could cast Wilfred Brimley as a Kung-Fu star, instead of in diabetes commercials.
Action Jackson: Nashville entertainer Alan Jackson topped the CMA nominations with seven. If he keeps this pace up, he'll have more awards statuettes than his fan club has teeth.
More Music News: Angry white boy Eminem is slated to release his new album, "Encore," sometime in November. Word is he's branching out, hating Eskimos and Samoans in addition to other easy-to-pick-on targets. This could be the first "Encore" that no one asked for.
That's all for this week, but remember: never feed a Mogwai after midnight. And boy, you best not get it wet.
Stories culled from various sources, including E! News, Entertainment Weekly and CNN. Also, a good majority of this was made up for no reason other than cheap laughs.