Over the past 30 years of development, director George Lucas has created a universe for his "Star Wars" franchise that is longer than human history.
Throughout the 36,000 years of the "Star Wars" canon there have been thousands of heroes and villains rise and fall and millions of young residents of the galaxy that have discovered their midi-chlorian levels allow them to use the Force.
While the mainstream celebrated the inclusion of Anakin Skywalker and a youthful Obi-Wan Kenobi in Lucas' prequels, it was Lucas' greatest character of the entire franchise, the Nautolan Jedi Master Kit Fisto, that made his first appearance in "Attack of the Clones." Fisto's star-studded list of Padawans, devilish good looks and phenomenal service record sets him apart from all of his peers.
Kit Fisto was born on the mostly-aquatic planet of Glee Anselm in the Mid Rim region of the galaxy. At a young age, Fisto left the planet for Coruscant where he trained under Master Yoda. Bant Eerin, a Mon Calamari Padawan, was Fisto's first apprentice. It should be noted that Eerin survived all combat up until Order 66.
Let's just go ahead and begin analyzing how dope this is. This dude Kit Fisto, being only a Jedi Knight himself, had the ability to raise this child to be a lethal killing machine who goes on to outlive Qui-Gon "I will find you and I will kill you ... Oh no, there's a pack of wolves coming to kill me" Jinn. Fisto decided that raising one Mon Calamari child to efficiently kill everything in its path was not enough, so he picked up another one.
Next up was Nahdar Vebb. It is important to note here that Vebb probably would have surpassed the other Padawan if the Jedi Counsel had decided against sending the poor kid to do battle with a four-armed ex-warlord, which quickly killed the poor fish-child. Fortunately, Fisto does not succumb to petty emotional woes. The Jedi Master quickly fought off the same cyborg lesser Jedi Masters could not handle and then poured one out for his dead Padawan.
Fisto was arguably the best looking Jedi in the order as well. Some scholars point to the fact that Fisto was green and amphibious and had a cluster of tentacles pouring out of his skull and no eyebrows as grounds to say he looked bizarre.
Unfortunately these plebeians forgot to take into consideration the fact that Fisto had a steamy forbidden relationship with fellow Twi'lek Jedi Master Aayla Secura, also known as the scantily clad blue chick from the prequels. The argument also ignores the scene in "Attack of the Clones" where Fisto beheads a droid, saving the mentally incapable Jar Jar Binks – thanks for that addition to the universe, George –and smiled with a mouth full of absolutely perfect pearly whites.
Fisto's steamy relationship with Aayla Secura also shows that Fisto played by his own rules. The Jedi Master spent a couple of weeks incognito as a dark Jedi named Nemonus, but leaving the dark side was "no big thang" for Fisto. He was also a master of Shii-Cho which meant he could fight with two lightsabers if that was tickling his fancy that day, but if it wasn't, whatever.
It also meant he was constantly flirting with the Dark Side of the Force, but unfortunately for the Dark Side, Kit Fisto was a heartbreaker. And as for the aforementioned perfect smile, it was said that Fisto constantly smiled, even when slaughtering hundreds of enemies in combat. It has even been proven that every failure Fisto endured was actually not his fault. Even Fisto's death wasn't his fault. The lean, green killing machine would have easily outlived Order 66 if Agen Kolar, Saesee Tin and Samuel L. Jackson had put up a better fight against the most powerful Sith lord to ever exist.
Alas, the three losers previously mentioned failed, and thus ends the epic story of the world's greatest Jedi.
Go back and watch "Attack of the Clones" and email me if you still don't believe me and/or you're interested in engaging in fisticuffs.
Barnaby Jones is not a real person. Despite the offer to email him, Jones cannot be reached.