All right. It's time I got a little something off my chest. It's been bothering me for most of the past year. I just can't lie to everyone anymore.
I take steroids.
I estimate that 85 to 90 percent of sports writers take steroids.
As I embarked on my sophomore year in journalism, I noticed that I was far behind the rest of the sports pack. My transitions were horrible, my sentences were botchy and I was misspelling proper nouns left and right.
I wondered if I was even in the right field (no pun intended).
One day, while conversing with my friend and mentor Brad Shepard, he let me in on the secret rule of sports writing.
"If you're not cheating, you're cheating yourself," he told me. "You gotta have the juice."
Since that fateful day, my writing has drastically improved.
My daily regimen of steroids and writing has taken me far. I've ascended from the bottom of the totem pole to the sports editor position.
And the 'roids help me out in other facets of college life, too. As most of you don't know, the Daily Beacon has an intramural softball team (The Beacon Bullets - what a politically correct name, eh?).
With all the juice floating around this place, the Bullets are expecting to belt 15 home runs a game. Considering the intramural sports office's lax drug policy, they should dominate the league with their bulky lineup.
"It's not cheating if you don't get caught," Bullets coach and Beacon advertising representative Brian Koewler said. "The juice is loose, baby."
Don't think that sportswriters are bad people for using illegal performance-enhancing drugs. This is a competitive field where money is tight. Just like everyone else, journalists have to support their families.
"I have to cover all my bases," Tim Vacek, a Beacon sports writer, said via telephone in Dallas. "I look around the newsroom and see everyone else shooting up. I have to stay competitive.
"God willing, I'm going to have a family one day. I want my children to go to the finest schools and my wife to be involved in a country club. If using steroids to provide security for my family and me is illegal, then I'm a criminal."
Steroids have made their way out of the sports department in recent years. "The fix" has leaked from sports all the way to the managing editor position.
"Working two jobs and going to class this summer was wearing me down," Beacon managing editor Beth Rucker (no relation to the beautiful writer of this column) said. "I saw the sports dudes using their 'roids and said to my self, 'Beth, you're better than this.'
"I was wrong. And I'm so happy with steroids, I've given them my full endorsement."
Contrary to popular belief, not everyone in the Communications Building's basement uses steroids.
"Are you kidding?," copy chief and humor columnist Mike Murphy said. "Who needs steroids when you've got pipes like these?
"Drugs are bad."
While steroids are illegal in the United States, the Beacon does not test for them because of a strong labor union, spearheaded by recent graduate and DBLU president Shepard.
"My clients have a right to privacy," Shepard said. "It's the same way in Major League Baseball.
"What my clients do in their spare time is no one's business but their own."
And there's no salary cap, either, thanks to Shepard.
Wait, I mean, there's pretty much no salary.