He can't win. He simply can't.
Soren Sorensen has put up a noble fight - he really has. I posted only the second 6-0 week of the year the last time out, and he's still just one game behind.
But it has to end this week - it has to. I cannot endure an entire offseason of "what ifs?".
What if I had never invited Soren to enter our contest? What if I had just sabatoged his computer and messed with his precious rankings? What if he had just been born dumb?
I just can't live with all those life-altering questions.
There are ten other reasons Soren absolutely cannot win, though ...
1) His name is Soren Sorensen.
2) He teaches physics.
3) He's from Denmark.
4) His football has yellow cards and goalies.
5) His name is Soren Sorensen.
6) His win wouldn't look good on my resume.
7) He looks like my grampa.
8) He doesn't like babies or baseball.
9) Or puppies.
10) His name is Soren Sorensen.
I could go on and on.
Even with all that said, though, I steadfastly refuse to sacrifice my occasional principles. You know I could've just picked the exact same winners and been guaranteed a win.
But what kind of loser does that?
To eradicate any hint of impropriety, I had Soren send his picks to trusty Rita the Librarian this week.
And as tempting as it was to slip my overdue fine money under the table in exchange for Soren's selections, I reluctantly resisted. So Roll Tide.
As for you students, you'll be represented by General Robert R. Neyland this week - apparently. Sophomore Adam Tinker sent us an e-mail back in August and claimed he was the famed General in his past life. No, seriously.
And since Neyland was brought to UT for the sole purpose of beating Vandy, we figured we'd wait and pick Tinker for Vandy week in hopes he could miraculously turn around the student body.
Sorry, guys. Not gonna happen.
The ESPNers? Well, they were eliminated weeks ago. They're determined to climb out of last place, though.
So they sent us one of their big-wig TVguys, Rece Davis.
Hey, it ain't over yet for the Bristol boys. They're just one 6--0 week away from having a shot at fifth place.
And I'm one 3-3 week away from an offseason of shame ...
Vanderbilt at Tennessee: Know who was one rule change away from voting on the winner of the SEC East? The esteemed David Williams. Oh, never heard of Dave? He's Vandy's Vice Chancellor for Student Life and University Affairs. And with the university recently sacking its athletic department, he'll be the Dores' representative in any key conference vote. Comforting isn't it?
Prediction: UT, 38-13
Ohio State at Michigan: According to OSU safety Will Allen, God Himself has been on the side of the Luckeyes the last two years. Allen said all the close calls have just been "planned that way." In a simple press release sent just hours later, God responded by saying, "Um, no."
Prediction: Michigan, 20-17
LSU at Ole Miss: Oxford is preparing itself for history this weekend. The Rebels are playing a game in late November and an Independence Bowl berth is not on the line. Excuse me while I pick my jaw up from the floor.
Prediction: LSU, 30-24
Alabama at Auburn: Speaking of God's teams, wasn't it the Auburn players who said earlier in the year that they were the Father's favorite? Hmmm, wonder how that one turned out?
Prediction: 'Bama, 27-23
Wash. St. at Washington: Former Cougar coach Mike Price said the success his old team is having this year is aiding him in his ongoing job search. Probably true, actually. The whole stripper thing? Yeah, not so much.
Prediction: Wazzu, 34-28
Clemson at South Carolina: When told of the new Web site firecoachlou.com, my hero Lou Holtz said he didn't mind - "it's better than looking at pornography," he said, adding it was his way of doing the Lord's work. A busy God sent another press release, saying, "it's better than looking at South Carolina's offense, too."
Prediction: SC, 20-17
- Brett Edgerton is sports editor of the Daily Beacon and a senior in journalism. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Editor vs. Prof: It's come down to this
Published: Fri Nov 21, 2003 | Modified: Sat Aug 06, 2005 05:38 p.m.