The Red Sox versus the Cubbies.
If you're a good American, they're the two teams you wanted to see play in the World Series.
The Green Monster versus the autumn ivy. The Curse of the Bambino versus the Curse of the Billy Goat. The 85-year drought versus the 95-year drought.
Prior. Pedro. Woody. Manny. Sammy. Nomar.
Aaah, what could've been, baseball fans.
The greatest postseason of our lifetime would've had the greatest Hollywood ending of any lifetime.
But no - apparently that was too much to ask. We got the "Gangs of New York" ending instead.
The damn Yankees against the darn Marlins?
Someone pinch me.
Instead of more October baseball at Wrigley and Fenway, we have three games scheduled for a football stadium.
Instead of fans desperately seeking their first title since the end of World War I, we have fans desperately seeking their first title since the inauguration of George W. Bush.
Instead of the Series even your Mom would've watched, we have the Series that even you won't watch.
OK, so you'll probably catch some of it.
If you're like me, you'll watch simply because it's your civic duty as a sports fan.
And who knows, maybe the Fall Classic will live up to its name. The opener Saturday wasn't half-bad.
But I don't care if this series goes the distance and Game 7 is decided by a grand slam in the 17th inning.
It still sucks.
It sucks because I - and I'm guessing a lot of you - have no one to cheer for. And don't you want to have at least some rooting interest in most of the sporting events you watch?
I know I do.
And I have absolutely none with these two despicable franchises.
The Yankees are the greedy old man who has become more rich and powerful than any one of his measly peers, but has become so spoiled with success, he still wants to crush them every chance he gets.
In other words, they are their owner, George Steinbrenner. And what a heartwarming fellow he is.
The man would fire Santa Claus if given the chance.
With that said, I will give he and his team some credit. Time after time, they've bought their way through adversity.
Isn't that what it's all about?
They've survived it all and are playing in their 39th World Series, looking for that elusive Ring No. 27 after three excruciating years.
How inspiring.
It's almost as gripping as the championship pursuit of the Marlins.
As a lifelong Cub loyalist, I am particularly moved by the plight of this team's fans.
Sure, I had all my hopes and dreams crushed by their annoying little child of a franchise, but hey, how can I be bitter about it?
Their beloved Fish have been around for a frikkin' decade and have only one World Series trophy to show for it.
And it's been six long years since that lone championship.
As Phil Rogers of the Chicago Tribune put it last week, there are kindergartners in South Florida who have never known the joy of seeing their team play in the Series.
Now to be fair, there are probably plenty of South Florida kindergartners who have never seen their team play in any series.
Sure, the Marlins pack 65,000 into Pro Player Stadium all the time now. But don't be fooled.
This is the same franchise that generally can't pack 65,000 into the month of July.
This is the same franchise that has finished in the bottom three of Major League attendance in each of the last three seasons - right alongside the hopeless Devil Rays and the nomadic Expos.
And oh yeah, this is the same franchise that recently ripped my heart out and gave it to some old fart in Florida who has lived and died with his dear team since at least late August.
So excuse me if I seem bitter. Excuse me if I seem disinterested.
Excuse me if I can't decide which is the lesser of the evils - rooting for the team that stole my hopes this year or rooting for the one that will probably steal my players next year.
I'm sorry.
I simply don't have the heart to choose.

- Brett Edgerton is the sports editor of The Daily Beacon and is a senior in journalism. He can be reached at fromtheedge@utk.edu.