Call me the Comeback Kid.
After starting off the first week of The Daily Beacon's 2004 Football Picks Contest with a 5-5 record - which earned me dead-last place - my 8-2 record last week was just a sign of what's to come.
I may be in second-to-last behind only the Hippy, but my competitors are worried.
OK, so they're obviously not scared of my picks. But they're afraid of this hold-nothing-back weekly column.
"The Price is Right" Austin Price told me to tone down my language.
"No more eating my children, dude," wrote the football host for the University of Tennessee's radio station, who was obviously offended by my use of the brilliant words of the oft-misunderstood Mike Tyson.
"That was a bit over the top," Price said.
OK, Austin, at the risk of losing the interest of all my readers (does anyone actually read this?), I'll be more sensitive and proper this week in my personal notes to my competition.
To Four Eyes: You are a scholarly young lad. Despite your job as academics editor at this paper, you beat the sports editor.
You have every right to think you're better than me, even though I am able to see without eight-pound spectacles hanging from my face. You probably think your picks are better than mine again this week.
I beg to differ.
To Hippy: Jason, you are new to the picks contest this week. You also happen to be the editor of this newspaper and my boss.
I'll shut up now.
To Fresh Meat: You are living proof that I'm not such a horrible person.
You didn't win last week. So according to the rules, you shouldn't be back for another week.
But I decided to let you come back since we here at the Beacon lost your mugshot two separate times and kept making you walk all the way from your dorm to see us again. Even I have a soft side for freshman females.
To Sorority Chick: You also did not win last week...but I had a different incentive for bringing you back for a second showing.
I'm just grateful for your lousy 6-4 record last week, which dropped your stereotype into a dismal overall tie with the lowly sports editor.
And don't think my late notice to you about the picks this week was a mistake. Wow, I'm actually having to cheat to beat Sorority Chicks in football.
To Frat Boy: You tied for the lead last week (9-1) and I invited you back.
Wow, I am amazed at your type's knowledge about college football. Maybe I should join a frat.
Oops, I forgot...I'm poor and I have this group of loser friends who build up my confidence without me even having to pay for them.
To The Ref: As my assistant sports editor, you are just doing a fabulous job. You're so smart.
Please come up with a creative column next week to make up for this sweet-talking, boring crap I'm currently writing.
To The Price is Right: Good luck this week.
I hope that wasn't too "over the top" for you.
To Redneck: After going 10-0 the first week, you earned the right to pick for the remainder of the year. Your current overall record is 19-1.
Who are you? And what did you do with the stupid Redneck that I was supposed to embarrass every week?

- Matt Giles is the sports editor of The Daily Beacon and a senior in journalism. He can be reached at mgiles@utk.edu.